On medical trauma, probably episode 1

When I was in high school, I attempted suicide and was hospitalized.

One of the many terrible things the doctor there told me was that if I was actually suicidal I would be dead so I must be bipolar and attention seeking. And while I have always been aware of how factually incorrect that is and how abusive that man was, that has always stuck with me.

At the moment I am going through a really bad mental health relapse and one of the most difficult parts is trying to get better. And I don’t mean difficult to do, I mean difficult to emotionally take. The problem is, progress is not a straight line but with the state my mind is in I just can’t handle those bumps in the road.

Recently, I had been feeling a lot better. Truly like I was existing for the first time in a long time. But I hit a bump and the crash back into depression hurt so much it almost felt like if I moved my body would take over and self harm.

Add in on top of that the fact that even if the thing that cause me to regress was a well known and consistent trigger of mine (in this case, it’s having something that I’m super excited about/proud of, realizing that I have no one to share it with, and drowning in lonliness) there is just this part of my brain telling me I’m bipolar, I’m dramatic, I’m manipulating the people around me for attention either by even being in that state at all or by telling people I have depression when really “I’m bioplar”. And the spiral that sends me down sucks.

There’s no real conclusion, no real thing I’m trying to say. Just screaming about the pain that this doctor caused me that at the time was dismissed as “it’s gonna get worse before it gets better”.

Maybe this is also me over explaining why I can’t do talk therapy as a symptom of the gaslighting I’ve gotten from people on the topic.

People out here screaming that everyone should take therapy, everyone benefits from therapy while this is playing in my head. And all I want is for people to just hear me when I say how much it hurt and that my heart is too weak to give another try and then another and another and….

But when has anyone ever listened?