Salutations, Friends!

A big shout out to the disabled community for reminding me that I can do this. I have had so many feelings but there just seemed to be no where to share them. No way to put them out into the universe without feeling like I was detracting from more important matters.
Because I really don’t know if the things I’m gonna word-voimt in this post matter in the grand scheme of things. They feel so personal, that I can’t possibly be acting in the interest of the bigger picture by actually talking about them in a bigger forum.
But also, so much of who I am and why I share in the first place is because of the one or two other people that might connect with what I have to say, so it only feels appropriate to try.

I hate the election scene right now.

I am so viscerally terrified of a Kamala Harris presidency. In addition to there truly being no chance she will protect the people of Palestine. The violent future she is championing for immigrants of color. I also feel so unsafe.
I and in danger now and will continue to be in a Harris Presidency.
Covid is ravaging the nation and I have to keep from thinking about what will happen as people cheer on legalized profiling and eugenics in the form of anti-mask laws.
I have developed a new OCD compulsion in the form of data hoarding thanks to bipartisan censorship bill going through right now (KOSA and the “Tiktok Ban”) and literally the day I started writing this she explicitly said that she aims to increase censorship. Because I know every one of these politicians would burn it all down for one even one extra minute of selfish gain. And so many people will support just for the chance that they’ll be less likely to see something they just don’t fucking like.
And to top it all off, if I were to so much as bring this up, I am gaslit to hell and back. And this has been so deeply triggering for me as someone who grew up in an abusive home. Someone that got told to be grateful for this, that, and the other when I said I was scared to go home.
I’m scared to be alive.
I get ulcers regularly and they’re getting worse.
I have been going into shut down more, recently. And then temptation to go back to sleeping in my closet just to not exist is getting stronger.

I’m starting to think part of the problem is that I had a parasocial relationship with the concept of “The People”.
I so strongly believed in collective fight. In collective justice. That now, as I’m watching this country descend into the worst of individualism, every ounce of my trust and abandonment issues is triggered.
I have long understood that no one was going to save me. But I thought in an attempt to save at least themselves from such blatant evil, we’d fight side by side.
I never imagined having to fight against people that just refuse to acknowledge how they will also be harmed, instead focusing on the “others” they don’t care about.
I never imagined people welcoming fascism in with open arms because one candidate still offers the opportunity to gamble for a chance at profiting from the oppression.
I always knew that The US was the bad guy in the story, I never imagined how it would feel to see that seep into every waking moment of my life.

I’ve been collecting nonfiction, abolition works, and others of the kind to try and help me process. Help me make sense of it all. Help me figure out what I can even believe in anymore. It’s all been very hard but I am also so grateful to be on this side of it. Life is unbearable, but I have found a lot of peace in the small things I can do, if just to engage with humanity. To acknowledge and tap into the values that I have. To build and project a safe space in this world. It only reaches a few people but god, the spaces of the masses have become so draining and demoralizing, sometimes I only need a few people.

I’m gonna go before this gets any more off the rails.
Thank you so much. And until next time.

Valedictions, friends.